i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
