At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
