a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
