Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
