Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
