I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
