just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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