my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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