mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
