Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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