last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
