2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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