if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
