I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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