we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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