Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.