Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
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I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good