I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!