I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?