I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.