Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
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we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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