I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
