My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
