like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I intend to get homeless drunk
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
