Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize