There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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