I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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