Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
