I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
