you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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