her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Who died my cat blue again?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
