No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
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