i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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