you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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