He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
