Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm having to shit out rocks
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