I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
