He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
