You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
