she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
