now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
