You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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