i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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