White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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