Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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