$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
