I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
