I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
