I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
