Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Randomize
