batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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