Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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