I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Randomize
