New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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