My sheets look like a crime scene.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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