now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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