The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
