it was like his penis was on wheels.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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